May 19, 2011
I recently discovered that an old friend, whom I hadn’t seen for several years, had passed away. It came as a shock.
I didn’t know how to reach her family, so I did the only thing I could think of to connect: I looked her up on Facebook.
There I found pages and pages of condolences, most written about (let’s call her) Jane, the more traditional way. But some were written to her, as if she were still alive.
There were comments like: “OMG…RIP SOOOOO sorry to hear of your passing.” “Luv n thoughts r w u, i hope ur @ peace wherever u r.” “You are now somewhere safe and worry free!”
“R.I.P. YOU WILL BE MISSED SOOOOOO MUCH!!” And, “I’m sorry, Jane.”
Somehow I felt pressured to write her a little note as well. But it felt odd, uncomfortable even. And I wondered why.
I get that Facebook is a place to mourn — a digital gravesite, if you will.
But the difference is that what I would say graveside to my friend, or write in a letter to her parents or loved ones, is private. With Facebook, everyone’s condolence is there for all to read.
But what really bothers me is that these postings seem so mindless — that people don’t even have the courtesy to write a proper sentence to someone who has just died.
Internet expert Jesse Hirsh suggests that the flippant comments could be some people’s way of addressing the absurdity of a death when that person’s profile is still active.
Today’s social media, he says, merely reflects a society that is increasingly secular and doesn’t yet have a protocol for dealing with death in a respectful manner.
Another element here is that digital technology has allowed us to adapt to a different model of communication, says Marco Adria, director of the Master of Arts in communications and technology program at the University of Alberta.
“We don’t write things to have them interpreted, we write for them to be broadcast. Like a radio broadcast, once it’s said, it’s gone.”
Now it’s making sense. Now I understand the posting: “I WAS SO PRIVILEGED TO HAVE KNOWN YOU.”
It’s a kind of Sarah Palin-style shout out — folksy and inappropriate at the same time.
But that’s okay, says Adria, “because conversations are complicated. Talking to the dead online can be easier than talking to people in real life, which can be messy and not turn out as you want.”
Dead people talking
Also, it’s becoming easier to write to the deceased, especially if they have a Facebook, Twitter or other online account. Their identity is still as it was — their interests, photos and postings, the causes they support — they’re all still online, even after they pass away.
“Technology works as a metaphor,” says Adria. “We refer to it as the net, as channels, as a transmitter. So just as we use it to chat with the dead, the dead can end up talking as well.”
And talk they do. There are dozens of famous dead people who don’t just have Twitter accounts, but communicate through social media as if they were still alive.
The stand-in for a witty Queen Victoria tweets: “Let me make this clear, I do NOT require 38 ministers to advise me on the happenings of the Dominion.” Dom Perignon (who always seems to be drinking) recently re-tweeted: “Prince Harry Gives ‘Brilliant’ Champagne Toast.”
Queen Victoria (1819-1901).
Edgar Allan Poe constantly offers words of wisdom and Charles Darwin, in his dull note-taking style, tweets a description of each leg of his trips.
But perhaps William Shakespeare sums it up best when he tweets: “All this is but a dream.”
The late Marshall McLuhan (who incidentally has a Twitter and Facebook account) would no doubt agree with this otherworldly communication.
In Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man, McLuhan argues that technology is an extension of the human body. And that when you use technology, you lose part of your body.
For instance, the telephone extends the voice but “amputates” the hand used to write correspondence. The computer extends so many parts of the body — brain, voice, hands — that we lose other natural abilities.
In effect, says Adria, we tweeters and tech users become disembodied — ghost-like.
So, perhaps, we’re just as ghostly as the ghosts we communicate with. We have become more used to sending online messages into the ether than having face-to-face conversations.
Still, while I’m all for the Facebook tribute page, when it comes to commemorating the deceased, I’d rather make sure my message actually gets to the people most affected by the loss here on Earth.
That means writing my message by hand and sending it to the family.
To be honest, while the reasons you give for the rather glib-seeming responses on Facebook to a person’s death may be true, I think it’s more a mental & emotional laziness to communicating to others, whether written or verbal. Let me explain. I have a Flickr account that has various photos I’ve taken with descripttions written in the comments. Because I enjoy writing & because I enjoy learning, my descriptions can be quite detailed. I especially do this with the series of raccoon photos I’ve posted, often making them into a story. Responses have been many – some detailed with information they’ve share of their experiences. But many are the same glib comments found throughout Flickr – luv these!! – great pix, can’t wait 4 more – super! keep snapping away! I won’t even bother to mention the all capitalized comments. And it’s obvious by the comments on various Flickr photos (not just mine but other members’ too) that the coomenter didn
True, true. It’s a way for us to comment on something without having to spend too much time on it…so we can go and comment on other things! I think it’s about letting the photographer know you’ve seen their photos, but it’s also letting other people know that you’ve seen the photos. It’s almost like mingling at a cocktail party – we comment a little here, a little there, then we go over somewhere else and comment on that. And so it goes!
Wow, this paragraph is good, my sister is analyzing these things, therefore I am going to inform her.
Please let me know if you’re looking for a author for your weblog.
You have some really great posts and I feel
I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some
of the load off, I’d really like to write some articles
for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine. Please shoot me
an email if interested. Regards!
Good post however , I was wondering if you could write a litte more on
this topic? I’d be very thankful if you could
elaborate a little bit further. Kudos!
Glad you enjoyed it, Laura! It seems to have struck a chord. I’m interested in what specifically you’d like to hear more about when it comes to digital death.